If I could go back to the day of my daughter’s diagnosis, I would tell myself....

Below, is the letter I wrote two years ago on Facebook to announce our little girl was diagnosed with Autism. I look back at this post, which is a blessing and a curse of being a writer. My first impression is that this women was fearless. She came home right after her daughter was diagnosed with a lifetime disability and made the news public to all 204 of her family and friends by the end of the first day. She was unashamed, blatant, bold and above all honest. This was my post…

Almost from the first week we brought Gabby home, I knew something was different with my baby. She would cry for two - four hours straight at night, almost every night. I would nurse, rock, walk and bounce her till she passed out. The doctors had no clue. We did all the tests they could think of, and she was labeled a difficult baby.

By two she was hardly talking, but physically she was kicking all of our butts, as she grew stronger, it was harder and harder to control her tantrums and fits. We gave up going out to eat and soon we stayed close to home or parks unless we had two people.

By three she was in Speech and Occupational therapy, and she showed little to no improvements. She grew taller and her weigh soared to a whopping 40 pounds. We had more people than I can count tell me I needed to discipline my child or spank her, but I knew that just made the tantrums worse. We had to bear hug her and pat her back till she would calm down, and then it was like nothing happened. For the last two years I have been the lady in Wal-Mart holding down my girl while people walk by and see a 3 year old taking a tantrum.

Last week after running a bunch of tests Gabby was diagnosed with Autism. We are both relieved and devastated with the news. I know God has a plan for our life, and Gabby's as well. So for now we are going to be faithful and trust in him to lead us through the next chapter with our little girl. Prayers are welcome and appreciated.

Then I remember the feelings that went along with this post – and I was scared. Probably, the most scared I have ever been in my life. As I posted this message to my family and friends, I realize I did it because I was so afraid that if I did not say it out loud that day, I might never have the courage. I blurted it out for my family and friends to see because I was self-conscious enough, that if I did not share it, I felt it would be taken as I was ashamed of her or I was trying to hide it. I came right out with it and took the ‘loud and proud’ approach to sharing the news that my child was diagnosed with Autism. When in retrospect, I was devastated.

So devastated that I spent the majority of the next two weeks crying and heartbroken. Mostly because I did not understand what this meant for her and how we were going to manage. The not knowing if she would be okay is the most frightening part. Next, I spent a few days being pissed off and stressed and asking God "why us". Finally I crumbled for a few days and hid in the house. Then I finally got up. Not because I wanted to get up, but I had a husband leaving on a trip and a daughter to take care of. Just because I was grieving, did not mean I did not have responsibilities. So I got back on the horse you could say and I got on with our life.

I scoured the libraries, Internet and blogs trying to find out as much as I could about Autism. I would take care of my child all day and then at night I would be obsessed with reading and researching everything I could find out about Autism. I made appointments and kept up with her therapies and life kept going.

Looking back, if I could go back to the day of my daughter’s diagnosis, I would tell myself that it’s okay to grieve privately. It’s okay to not ‘shout out’ the news that your dreams you had for your child’s life are changing. It’s okay to not have a plan. Your journey is going to be bumpy and your are going to run on broken roads at times, but in the end you still have the most beautiful enchanted daughter you started out with. You are still going to have wonderful moments when she shocks you at her abilities and actions. Yeah, your dreams for her are going to be different, but they will not be less. Don’t worry so much, it’s all coming, just wait and see how wonderful it all will be.