Oh what a day

Nothing amazing or incredible happened today, but I am so tired. Gabby's sleep schedule has been off for almost two months, so she is either up at the crack of dawn or waking up and wanting to stay up late in the night. All I know is it is killing me, it reminds me of when she was a newborn. Only she is now smacking, biting and licking me constantly.

I have been working with her Autism doctor to change her meds, they have adjusted it but so far no change. I think I am ready to try some other drug and hopefully sleep a little better,  but part of me is scared that all her great verbal progress she made will go away. It's a double edge sword, to make the hitting and biting go away sometimes her brain is not as clear so her verbal suffers. My anxiety is through the roof hoping and wanting change, but scared of change.

Nevertheless the days are long and the nights are short. I hesitate to complain, because I know some people have to handle Autism kids and work full time, plus have other children to deal with.
My stay at home, full time momma gig could be worse...but it could be so much better to. I see my friends strolling  a sleeping baby shopping and I am sick with jealousy, because I could never do that with my baby. Ugh not a great day.

Better than I thought :)

So today I get a call from the director of Gabby's preschool program. She called me and first apologized for the situation we were put in. Her teachers though it would be better to separate Gabby from the 30 extra people in the classroom because of how anxious she is around new people. They thought she would enjoy herself more, if she was secluded away from all the new people. She assured me that in the future Gabby will be encouraged to join others and if, and only if she demands to sit elsewhere will she be allowed.
I have to tell you that I was completely satisfied with the response I got from her school. I feel like they truly had her best interest at heart. The director and the teacher assured me that Gabby was fitting in well with the class. She was sitting with the other children during class and playing during the activities during the day. They said she is not separating herself from the others, and preferring to spending time all alone. Her teacher even said that she is communicating very well with the other children and is making healthy social and educational strides.
We have noticed that Gabby is speaking a whole bunch more than she was even 10 months ago. She is in full sentences and asks appropriate questions. The three year old "why?" phase started a little late for us, but considering she had less than 10 words when she started year three. We are thrilled.
Last week the Turn Center stated to me that Gabby had reached all her goals. The needed to evaluate her on her progress and to set new goals for her. I was very encouraged by this, testing your child can be extremely stressful for a parent. Now I am just looking forward to any improvement. I have finally let go what the "normal for this age" should be and I just want us to be make strides forward. I have so many friends with Autistic children that are struggling just to get that first word out. So I know we are blessed to be making the strides we are.
I am also looking into getting Gabby tested for the Autism program at our local school. I wanted to keep Gabby in her two days a week church school, but I think she might benefit from a more structured five day a week program at the schools. I at least want to see what are options are. So I sent the email asking Gabby to be tested after the holidays. So we will see how that goes.
Now I just have to make up to my hairdresser, my appointment was the day that all this corner crap happened with Gabby and I completely blew her off. I forgot completely about the appointment and never called. I will have to make her something delicious as an I am sorry :)

Being better than yesterday

Lately I have been trying to be a better person and be a better advocate for Gabby. Its easy to yell or scream when you feel like your child has faced an injustice, but its harder to find a way to correct the situation in a way that leaves people wanting to do better. I want people to do better and be better for my child. Thats the world ideally I want to live in, so in order to do my part I need to find a way to get our message across and leave people wanting to make those changes.

That all might seem a bit confusing but this is all about my last post of Gabby being put in the corner. Ideally I should be the one to correct the situation right when it happens. It usually takes me a minute to figure out what I want to say and get my feelings in order. So today I contacted Gabby's school to speak with the director of her program. I want to find out why we were put in the corner. Was this all about having an Autistic child or was this just a fluke.

More importantly I want to know if my child is fitting in. I know we are different and we are never going to be the most popular, but what I want to know is if she is eating alone, playing alone that kind of thing. I hope that is not the case, because I wanted her in a Christian Children's Environment. I figured this would be the place she could be introduced most importantly to Jesus, but also children that would age with her and maybe she would feel a sense of community. I wanted her to feel comfortable and familiar with a church school, because I fostered so many wonderful memories of my church schools. Those friends stayed with me all through school even into high school. While I know Gabby's situation is different, I just wanted her to get a shot of a bit of normal with some good values and good teachings.

I guess we will see how it goes when the director gets back to me. I pray this was a fluke. This situation ruined my day yesterday and when I told the story to my husband who is away on business I could see how it hurt him as well.

My quite time this morning spoke to being a christian that walks the walk and not just talks the talk. It talked about doing good deeds and not just speaking about them. It resinated with me to try and find a way to advocate for Gabby in an educational way that will leave the offender better informed and armed with the knowledge to make better choices in the future.

Happy Snow Day Everyone :)

Not in the Damn Corner

Gabby and I just came back from her school. Today was grandparents day and I totally forgot. So we came in and the room was full of grandparents and a lot of new people that Gabby did not know. She started to shake and then she had a pee pee accident. We went and got her changed and cleaned up and then we found our spot in the corner of the room away from everyone else.

I realize having an Autistic child we are going to be different than the other kids, we are special needs. My mistake was forgetting it for a few minutes. (Her sweet teachers were trying to make her more comfortable) I will tell you that walking in and seeing you are in the corner of the room, separated from everyone else takes your breath away. You think you are doing so good, fitting in and then you realize... we are so different than everyone else and no matter how hard we strive, we will always be in the corner of the room. I knew this would happen, I just did not realize it would be so soon, three year old church pre-school.

So I got a little teary eyed and then I looked at my shaking scared child and decided to bust us out of there. We got our stuff and made a break for it. So I checked out the movie times and we are going to eat with Nana and then go see a movie. I figure we will make the best of it, being different in our own way. Not in the damn corner.

Sleep Strike

Gabby rolls over at 1:26 am and says good morning Mom. "I miss papi and I am hungry, where is dad?" I changed her, fed her and drugged her. An hour later she is starting to yawn. Autism and sleep do not go together Ugh!!!!

Momma made a big mistake

Mommy left out the scissors and Gabby found them. All her hair on the left side of her head is gone. Oops :(

No muss No fuss Halloween

Despite an adorable costume, Gabby has decided to go with a "no muss, no fuss" costume, and is rocking her pumpkin shirt. Allen is wearing his "I am so scary I don't need a costume" shirt. They are headed to Nana's. I have the stomach flu and I am going to stay home. She would not pose for a picture so this is what we got. Happy Halloween Friends 

A whole new Gabby

Today was Gabby's first field trip with her school class. They went to the same pumpkin patch we took her to last year. Last year was full of so many struggles, crying and several breakdown tantrums. So I have tied myself in knots deciding if I should keep her home or go with her (which she did not want...even though I asked many times)I even called one of Gabby's therapist to get her opinion. Finally I decided to not hover and let her go, but first I got up early and got ready just in case she needed me or had a hard time. I teared up leaving her at school and then I sat around all day waiting on the phone to ring. So it was finally time to go get her and I had not gotten a call all day. I walk into her class and her wonderful teacher told me she was awesome, played like the other kids and was super sweet. I bust out in tears and duck my head trying to cover my mini breakdown. So I came home and Allen says "Your going to have to get used to her doing well, with the medicine she is a whole new Gabby". He is really right, but my hovering parenting is hard to put away after three years.

Twice in a Row

So today marks the true 6th month mark of trying to encourage Gabby to pee pee on the potty. We went totally hardcore and then slacked off. We have gone to little works shops at the turn center. Recently we started three year old preschool, where she is around other children who have mastered training.

Today we started everyday off with her in panties and me with my carpet cleaner ready to go. Do you know my child peed in the potty twice today in a row. TWICE IN A ROW.

I clearly know we are far from completely trained, but when I saw her get up and go and actually heard piss coming out it. The impact for me was like winning the super bowl in the last three seconds of the game. I instantly mentally pumped myself up about a 1000 times and felt like I needed to make the speech for 'mother of the special needs child of the year'.

She missed it for the rest of the day, but those TWICE IN A ROW number 1's made my entire month. Allen, Laureen and I jumped and sang and cheered so loud you would have though we won the lottery.

Below is Gabby wearing her had after we cheered, she did not want a thing to do with us. She is so gangster 

Labor Day with no labor :)

We went to a labor day party and Gabby did so fantastic. Everyone though she was a little shy, but no tantrums. She used her great manners and ate at the table like a big girl. She asked to be excused and then said it was time for bath and bed. We said Goodbye and we made our way home. I told her how proud I was of her and what a great job she did, she asked if she could call Papi and Ya to tell them she did good. It was late, so I did not call you, but she wants you to tell her on FaceTime how good she did tomorrowHelen Olsen Great Day 

Hunger Games

Gabby is on a hunger strike today. So for dinner I made mash potatoes, baked Mac-n-cheese & pork tenderloin. She ate nothing, so then I made eggs, nada. This was her dinner, somehow if she would have had grapes a glass of red wine it would have seemed healthier. Don't worry, we're still restricting her alcohol intake ;)

GPS Tracking

o Allen and I spent the evening looking up GPS Tracking device bracelets for Autistic Children. As it turns out they actually have these that will lock on her and we pay a monthly fee to track her.

If she goes missing again we can track her along with the police. This all comes after I lost her last week. I am going to have to take something out of our budget to pay for it, but I cannot handle another episode of loosing her again. I physically feel like I won't survive that again. So here we go from 29.99 a month. 
Thankful for this little piece of mind 

More Babies - Aug. 6th

So I just got finished with Social Security Department and they told me based on our income Gabby does not qualify for any benefits until she is 18 years old. He asked if we had more children and I said "No, Unfortunately I am having a tough time getting pregnant with the stress of Gabby. We were trying to focus on her care before we added another child into the family."

He told me "I should rethink having more children, because then she would qualify for SS benefits and Medicare."

So that is the answer to government benefits, make less money and have more children.

So after giving the news to Allen, he encouraged me to get to the pharmacy so we can make another baby. I went by the pharmacy to fill my prescription for clomid. Then I went to the grocery store and bought the fixings for chicken parmesan and two bottles of red wine.

Then we are going to toast Mr. Pena from the SS Department for encouraging our next baby. Wish us luck

Angel

So we just left therapy and we used to have coax Gabby into the building and she would whimper/cry and perhaps melt down in the building because she hated speech and occupational therapy.

After about six months we changed therapist and she has started to love going. So today she probably had her best therapy session ever. She was sweet and kind, she said please and thank you, she even threw her tissue away in the trash can. We are just about finished up when I hear a huge wail of a cry; that I know is my child about to start a tantrum. She is fighting with her OT about having to leave. She ends up fully melting down and I have to hold her down. I think we are about to calm down and I realize we need to retreat to the car as fast as possible. I sling her up, grab my bag and we are out the door.

Not two seconds out the door she does a wiggle/flip out of my arms and almost lands on the concrete. I caught her by the belly and dropped everything. She is so mad she start to try and claw away from me. This hero of a security guard come over and says "Get your car, I will hold her down."

I guess it was his tone that made me let her go and I ran to get my car. Well I pull up and realize this poor man is bodily holding down my child and she is foaming at the mouth, I go to lift her up and he picks her up and Gabby says "Black, Black, Black man and is practically spitting on this man. He buckles her in to her car seat and wipes off her mouth with his handkerchief.

So I was about to pull away and he knock on the door and hands me my purse. I was about to say Thank you so much or sorry for the black man comment or something and he tells me he will say a prayer for me and walks away. We get home and I realize Gabby is still clinging to his handkerchief and its hand embroidered with BLR and dead asleep.

God really put an angel in my path today.

196

An

Selfish Momma

So Allen called this morning to ask if Gabby went to school. I said "No". 
He said "why not" and I told him "she said she would stay with Momma today and we could go to the store and she would help." 
Allen said "Between you giving her days off and us going on vacation she is gone to school about 4 times the whole month, Why are we even paying for Summer Fun Days?"
I gave him the only answer I could "We need options, honey" and he stated to chuckle and then I went on to my real reason for not sending her "We woke up and we ate and then she said she wanted to stay with me and I was just lost, I said Yes and she cuddled up with her blanket on my side and is snoring like crazy"
I figure we have years to push her off too school, I want to keep her home with me running errands and napping the afternoon away as long as possible. Selfish Momma 

Another Box Fan Story

We have the attic fan going, the AC on full blast, a box fan in the hallway and a humidifier going in Gabby's room. I just went to check on her and she is dead asleep shaking every time the firecrackers boom. At least she is sleeping through it.

So I just went to let bell outside to pee before we went to bed and I decided to water my porch plants in the dark before going to bed. So bell starts togrowl and I look up and see six of the neighborhood boys pull up on there bikes. The mother in me says, "What are you guys doing coming home so late"..(I said this before thinking of the Fourth of July.)

The kid from next door told me "The went over to Tommy's six street over to let off there fireworks, so Gabby would not get scared"
I had a little choked up moment before I said "Thank you guys so much"
He replied "No problem, Tommy's grandmother fell asleep in the chair and we were able to do anything we wanted, like playing with matches and lighting up fireworks and drinking full strength coke."
I said "Wow" and he said "Yeah full strength coke, I drank like five of em" 

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Attack

So today I was on the phone with medicaid and medicare. The lady lets me get through the entire interview and tells me I don't qualify for any benefits for Gabby. I was kind of taken aback, not that I really expected anything, but I said "Nothing". 
She then comes back with an "Absolutely No No No" (Three no's in a row)

So I asked "What happens if I don't agree with that decision?" and she then tells me its a long process of writing letters of hardship and getting letters from doctors, filing out forms and going in front of a panel. She then finish's off, that not many people are going to go through that hassle of being told no again.

"I laughed a bit and told her, you have no idea who you are dealing with. By the time I am through you are going to say "Yes Yes Yes."

She takes a pause and says, Mrs. Rushing I have never had a more thorough and exhaustingly written application submitted to me. You are persistent to the point of being pushy, I have no doubt the ladder you are going to climb to make sure you get that baby benefits.

I said "Thank You" 

Now I am going to attack the Social Security office, Wish me Luck!!!!

Finding a way

Its taken me about three weeks to process Gabby's diagnoses of autism. I spend majority of the time heartbroken and devastated, more because I did not understand what this meant for her and how we were going to manage. Then I spent a few days being pissed off and stressed and asking God "why us". Finally I crumbled for a few days and hid in the house. Well after almost two weeks of that I finally woke up with a plan of action. So I started researching and reading everything I could find blogs, books, websites, friends and family...seeking advice from everyone who knew anything about autism. Most of it scared me to death and made me doubt any "normal" future was possible for my girl.

Last night during another sleepless night I prayed for so long and so hard that God would lead me in the right direction, because I did not know which way to turn anymore.

This morning I realized that the dreams I had for Gabby's life are gone, she will not live the life I had planned out for her in my dreams. My plan is not the plan that she needs to be following.

All I need to do is drive my SUV, and guide her into therapy's and whatever progress she makes is her own. If she chooses to play sports or be part of any social clubs is her own choice. I just need to make her life as easy as possible. I need to realize that even though her path will be rocky all I have to do is assist her through it..without judgement. Her future is her own and I just have to love her unconditionally and try to help her from here. She has a clean slate in front of her. (I am going to try not to compare her to what other children are doing or measure her by how many milestones their child is hitting before us.)

I am going to let God lead the way for her and where we end up is where he has always wanted her to be. I wonder if it can really be that simple, but that is the answer I heard from God loud and clear this morning.

Not ten minutes after my epiphany, I get a call from one of the best speech therapist (who we wanted to get into but was completely booked with a waiting list) She happened to be part of the panel of therapist and doctors that diagnosed Gabby with ASD. She told me that Gabby has been on her mind for the last few weeks and she has to work with her, she moved several patients around and if we were willing to make the change she would take us as a patient.

Today was the first day I really felt hopeful, assured and peaceful that God will lead the way 

A shoe or two

My child is obsessed with horses. We were getting coffee this morning and we were stopped by a super duper long horse trailer. Gabby rolls down her window and starts trying to get out of her seat. Anyways the rancher opens up the windows, picks her up and lets Gabby pet the horses and then he gives her old horse shoes to take home. She is in heaven this morning and keeps telling me ...I have two horse shoes, TWO!!!

Return Policy

My little chiquita has finally fallen asleep. I know its sounds horrible to look forward to bedtime, but after 8 days of doing it alone & potty training at the same time. Plus another 8 still to go till we see Dad. I took two advil, grabbed a bottle of water and thanked God she is alive and is finally asleep. Now I am going to google and see if I can return condoms & strawberry milk

We could use the lube

I knew I was pushing my luck taking Gabby to United at 6:00 on a Saturday. We have been in the pool all day and she was rubbing those eyes, but we had to go.

She does pretty good until she decides she needs to get into the big part of the grocery cart and act like a horse. She snapped and "Eeeed" at the other customers, but I just smiled and we had a good group that played along with her. I am working my butt off pulling her and rushing through the store.
We finally get to check out and she is having a fit, because the checkout guy is apparently too close to her cart. I go over and stand next to her and distract her. The guy swipes my card for me and we are out of there. I am patting myself on the back at how swift and efficient I am.

I get home and I am unloading our cart and I start to see stuff that we NEVER buy, pretty soon I have almost 7 things that do not belong to us. I look at the receipt and realize, while I was sticking to the list, Gabby was not. I throw in sugarless cookies and she added Nestle Quick Strawberry, Muscle Milk Strawberry. Last but not least, while I was buying toothpaste...Gabby bought a 17 dollar box of condoms and a 10 dollar bottle of lube :)

I know so

Morning Mom

I walked into the kitchen from having a cup of coffee. Gabby stood naked on the counter with this mess and said "Hello Good Morning Mom".......yes this is syrup. Happy Day to you too 

Sheesh

Well its day four of potty training and I just went to make us lunch and realized I missed not one buy two therapy sessions for Gabby. With the black eye last night and the strict schedule, I completely forgot our normal routine. I guess I need to grovel at the secretary at the turn center in a few seconds. Four days in and we finally had one victory. The doctors warned me about training an autistic baby to use the bathroom was going to be challenging, but sheesh!

Mortified!!!

Gabby and I always are in the back yard in the morning. She plays and I swing and drink my coffee. Then she started doing crazy stuff on the patio furniture and I came out to get her down. 
We argue for a few minutes and then I wrestler her to the ground. I have to hold her down for a few minutes to reason with her. I finally stand up from squatting in my nightgown and look straight into the eyes of the roofers directly behind us. They were sitting down drinking coffee getting ready to start. All three of them wave, smile and say "Good Morning". 
I tell them I am accepting tips for the show I just gave them.
They laugh and say "It would have been rude to interrupt"
Mortified!!!

Diagnosis

Almost from the first week we brought Gabby home, I knew something was different with my baby. She would cry for two to four hours straight at night, almost every night. I would nurse, rock, walk and bounce her till she passed out. The doctors had no clue. We did all the tests and we were labeled a difficult baby.

By two she was hardly talking, but physically she was kicking all of our butts, as she grew stronger, it was harder and harder to control her tantrums and fits. We gave up going out to eat and soon we stayed close to home or parks unless we had two people.

By three we were in speech and occupational therapy and we had a few improvements, but she grew taller and weighs 40 pounds. We had more people than I can count tell me I needed to discipline my child or spank her, but I knew that just made the tantrums worse. We had to bear hug her and pat her back till she would calm down, and then it was like nothing happened. For the last two years I have been the lady in Walmart holding down my girl while people walk by and see a 3 year old taking a tantrum.

Last week after running a bunch of tests Gabby was diagnosed with Autism. We are both relieved and devastated with the news. I know God has a plan for our life and Gabby's as well. So for now we are going to be faithful and trust in him to lead us through the next chapter with our little girl. Prayers are welcome and appreciated